Being a college graduate does not guarantee you a single thing… except a piece of paper with your name on it, in some fancy script which you can choose to display to the world like an overpriced tattoo or bury it away with other papers of your past. Because it is your past, it does not ensure your future. College is the beginning of transitions from the home you’ve always known to creating a sense of your own-- wherever you may be.

College can create a little cosmos, a little bubble of a world where responsibilities are linear: you know what comes after the next (you’ve been practicing all your life). If you leave that world prematurely to solve your own dilemmas that come up while you are at school, as problems usually do, then it may seem as if the outside world (the one you may have been avoiding) comes swarming at you.

I have my own cosmos. I graduated college, but in chunks. I took an intermission and then moved at my own pace, not sure who to ‘tag along with.’ If college brings in a stream of kids then I was working my way alongside them, trying to keep myself afloat and make meaningful conversation along the way. Most friends lasted a semester, and then the path that they were on swept them away from me. Having a graduating class is almost like living in a country, you can say your membership is your commonality but you don’t really know each other.

 Being a college graduate, I do not feel that I can depend on the knowledge that I gained to help me burrow my way through the confusion I have found myself in. I did have a plan—to become a preschool teacher—but eventually it became obvious it wouldn’t be the best spot for me.

I remember having the nicest, kindest teachers as young child…

So without a fixed dream to aim for, something to feel excited about and doubt, but then feel truly excited about again, life has lost its flavor. Everything has gone bland. Now, I am playing out in my mind different ‘careers,’ without really knowing what it takes and feeling more and more lost.

When I try out a new idea, it is only a temporary fix, because uncertainty, like a drug or cancer has made its way inside me, burrowed itself amongst cells and walls, reminding me that I am on a yellow brick road with no Mr. Oz.

Where am I going to? Am I taking the ‘road less travelled by?’ or walking towards a dead end.

I thought there was a road with some common detours, well-established and marked, that would light up in front of me as I walked (whether absent-mindedly or intently). I thought this path, which I daydreamed about even at the age of 12, was a part of the ground I walked on.

I no longer feel like I am walking, but floating, with a few steps, here or there, on land. I’ve got this piece of paper with my name on it matted and framed on my wall. No, it’s not my birth certificate, which states the obvious. It’s from somewhere along that road, except, it doesn’t point to anything, give directions or estimate how many miles to anywhere.

When you get lost, they say to ‘stay put,’ so someone else can find you. There is no search-party. I’ve been circling myself and these grounds/woods for months. And at the same time I’ve been stuck ‘staying put.’ I need to find myself a bit. The fog is thick here and moves in quickly. And then I’m invisible. And so is the stupid piece of paper.